Overthinking

Overthinking is a big part of my anxiety and mental health overall. Overthinking things like “ugh I sounded like a right idiot when I asked that” makes my anxiety worse, overthinking is extremely common when you have anxiety. Overthinking rules my brain, everything I want to do, I overthink. Let’s say, for example, I want to go out with a few friends. I overthink things like “what happens if I fall over” “what happens if I do something stupid and everyone laughs”  “what happens if I stutter and just sound idiotic to people”

It’s annoying, just due to the fact that I plan on doing things, like going out with a few friends. I overthink about the social situation and think that people will find me weird, and think I’m silly for being so anxious and panicky, and just end up cancelling. I try so hard to look for a solution or something else to stop overthinking, but my mind just cant stop thinking about that situation, I don’t know why I do it if I did I would try to stop, but nope, don’t know why I do it.

There’s so much involved with overthinking, past situations for me make my overthinking worse, and I’ve heard from people that it is the same for them. I overthink so many social situations solely down to stuff that has happened, such as panicking in public. I also overthink things that have happened. Like “oh I shouldn’t have said that” “why did I say that” Overthinking for me is also solely down to my anxiety/social anxiety. I continuously overthink about what I come across like, what people think I am, what people think of me when I panic, panicking in public.

Overthinking is a cycle, and I’m currently caught up in that cycle of overthinking mostly everything. For me, avoiding situations which I overthink about, will obviously not help and I am trying to slowly do those situations i.e go out with friends and socialise etc.

I hope I can get out of this vicious cycle of overthinking, as it is truly tiring and constant battle.

CBT: Sixth Session

Prior to this session, I had a GP appointment and got prescribed fluoxetine/Prozac. The doctor said it should help my depression and anxiety, and also make CBT work better, or at least help. It’ll take four to six weeks to actually start to work which sucks, but every anti-depressant is the same I think.

This was the dreaded sixth session, the reason I was dreading it was all because three weeks ago my therapist mentioned that I’d only have 6 sessions, 8 at a push. So I knew this session would be a big one, but I didn’t know what would actually happen.

So, we just got talking about my GP appointment and my feelings of being put on medication and finding a perfect time of the day to take it, which is 3 pm! My therapist then told me to fill out the usual GAD-7 PHQ-9 sheet. My scores were the same, can’t remember exactly but they were 1 or 2 off the highest on both parts.

She then mentions that she has been thinking about this session throughout the week, and that she thinks I need extra support, and that she thinks I should have more CBT, but hourly sessions, I was truly happy, but then I found out it wasn’t with her. I told her how hard it would be for me to just all of a sudden move to a new therapist in a new clinic at the same time of starting medication. She totally understood that it was bad timing, she then found out that the waiting list has literally four people on it, including me. Meaning that I will not have a week or more, without CBT. I literally have the appointment next week, all because my therapist works absolute wonders.

I don’t know what I feel about changing therapists and changing clinics too. I would have felt better if I was in the same clinic, as it’s like a routine for me to go every Wednesday, and she totally understood, she knew it’d be hard, but if she did give me the two extra sessions just to get me ready to move, the waiting list could be longer, so it might be a sudden change, but it’s the best time as I don’t have to wait on another waiting list.

She also told me to not worry and gave me a number to ring if anything goes wrong in terms of if my therapist isn’t doing a good job, it’s going to be so hard for me to open up to some complete stranger, I know my therapist was a stranger to me, but it took me weeks to actually trust her, and now I’ve just been moved on? I was really annoyed, but then I realised it’s for my own good, hour-long sessions would be really good for me as I find it hard to go through everything in thirty minutes.

Here’s me hoping and praying that my new therapist is just as kind and good as my previous one.

An open letter to my depression

// TRIGGER WARNING: SH/SUICIDAL THOUGHTS//

You are honestly, the worst thing ever. You and anxiety, make my life so hard, every day is a battle because of you. I can not get away from you, you make me harm myself and make me feel like I would be better of dead, you make these thoughts pop up into my head on a daily basis, why? You make me isolated in thoughts that are not very nice, and make my day suck, even if I do something I love, somehow you find a way to make it suck.

You make me isolated in thoughts that are not very nice, and make my day suck, even if I do something I love, somehow you find a way to make it suck. You make me hate going to therapy, and don’t even make me start about you teaming up with anxiety to stop me from going out and hanging with people, which I’d love to, but you and anxiety stop me.

Some days, I wake up actually happy, very happy sometimes, but for some reason, you mess it all up and make me feel so down it’s unreal, this happens every time. I’ve not had a day where I’ve felt 100% happy in months because of you. Having you in my head is not something I want, so why are you in my head? You suck.

However, because of you, I feel like I’ve become a stronger person, mentally. I know it’s a battle but battling every day makes me a strong person. You made me want to find a hobby to distract me, which is actually blogging, which is something I’ve actually loved doing since I started, so thanks for that.

You won’t defeat me, this week is the week where I will start defeating you. You will never beat me, I will beat you.

Liam

CBT: Fifth Session

// TRIGGER WARNING: SH //

As you may have seen on my twitter, I’ve had a bad few days, the worst I’ve ever been. I decided, yesterday to text my therapist just so she asks me and then I can’t avoid telling her what I’ve done. So the past few days, I’ve started self-harming again, it sucks and I’m so happy I actually told my therapist today.

This wasn’t a usual CBT session, solely down to what I have done, this was literally just a conversation about what I’ve done, and what needs to be done. She decided that I should be on medication, or at least try it. She immediately told me she will phone my doctor as soon as my appointment finishes, and get me an appointment, she was brilliant. As I was on the bus, I got a confirmation text for the appointment, how fast!

She was so understanding, I found it awfully hard to tell her what I did, and why I did it. But she just let me talk, she knew I had more to say, but I said as much as I could in this session, and she totally understood. I am feeling a bit better after actually telling her, it sucks that I have to go through this but I will get through this, it’s just a mere blip and it’ll get better. She gave me booklets on SH and distractions to stop SH and a booklet all about anti-depressants. She also mentioned an SH group talking thing which is every Friday, I’m still a bit unsure about that, but she gave me the contact details just in case.

So, hopefully, next week will be a better week, GP appointment and CBT next week on the same day! Hoping that will be a good day, and I hope I get something out of it, to help this annoying thing.

Sorry for such a short post, but we didn’t go over anything to do with CBT, no exposure, no panic, it was merely just me talking about the last few days, which honestly, I needed to do.

As always, thanks for reading!

Liam

CBT: Fourth session

This post should have been posted this Wednesday, but I’m a bit behind… but I have no CBT next week so it should all even itself out!

This session was my first session after attempting to do exposure therapy, I didn’t do it very well, I was told to do 4 days of it, I only managed to do one. It was such a hard, big jump.I didn’t learn anything new this session, which felt weird, but it was good not to. We just went over how exposure therapy went, and what we could do to change that, and went over why it didn’t go to plan. As usual, I did fill out a PHQ-9 and GAD-7 form, like every single session. Depression went up, Anxiety went up. Not good.

Exposure therapy, and how the first week went.

This was the main topic of the session today. I was open about what I did, and I wasn’t going to hide from it. I didn’t do well in terms of what I should have done, but my therapist was still happy that I even did one day, to be honest, it is a step in the right direction, even though it’s a tiny step. As I explained in my blog post I did about my third session, which you can find here. I was planning on going the shops as a start of my exposure therapy. I told my therapist about how little exposure I did, and we discussed and came to a conclusion, that it was too big of a step, and it gave me more anxiety than I thought it would.

So, this week I am going to not go the shop, but walk to the shop, every other day for two weeks. Since my therapist is in training next week, I will not see her until the 15th, so this gives me time to get up the courage to do it. I’ll try my best.

We also talked about what happens after my 6th session, which has made me worry a lot, you’d probably know how much I’ve been worrying if you see my tweets from the past few days. I don’t think they will let me leave if I’m still struggling with my mental health, so I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

 

As always, thanks for reading!

Liam

 

 

CBT: Third session.

This was a big, deep session, I was very anxious over it. We went through mainly exposure therapy, and how I am going to do it when I’m at home, planning what days to do it on, and what time.

I learned a lot this session, mostly about how exposure therapy works ( I thought I got thrown in the deep end) but it’s actually worked as doing something that gives you 40% or such anxiety and doing that multiple times a week, for example, going the shop. We went over a lot this session, the avoidance hierarchy was the thing we went into a lot of detail, as you plan the exposure therapy around that.

Avoidance hierarchy:

This was something very new to me, even with my research of CBT, I didn’t know what this was at all. Avoidance hierarchy is a ladder, where you put on each step a situation and then a percentage of anxiety, on mine, the first step is to go to my local shop at midday when it’s not as busy. The highest is talking to a total stranger at any time, which is 100% This links into exposure therapy because this is virtually the backbone of it, you plan from the ladder of avoidance.

My first week of exposure therapy will consist of me going to the shop, four times. This will help as I am putting myself in a situation which makes me panic, but doing it multiple times in one week, my anxiety should go lower in that situation at the end of the week, well I hope so.

Conditions:

I also had to go over these, it’s important to follow conditions as exposure therapy might not be as effective. The first condition is for it to be Graded, basically doing it from the avoidance hierarchy ladder, starting at the bottom working your way up at a steady pace. The second condition is prolonged, you’re meant to stay in the situation that causes anxiety until it drops by 50%. The third condition is that it has to be repeated, me and my therapist has said minimum 3 times a week, ideally every other day. The repeated part is very important as your anxiety in that situation goes down after each day of doing it. The last condition is doing it without distraction. Naturally, you can do things to distract you from your anxiety, for example, I use my phone when I’m anxious and I don’t give eye contact.

 

Sorry for the lack of posts recently, I’ve been recovering from eye surgery, slowly but surely getting better!

As always, thanks for reading!

Liam