Loving yourself.

This is something I personally struggle with, loving myself. Not so “loving” but having a good attitude towards yourself, not putting yourself down just because you can’t do something, being angry at yourself and so on. May it be during your recovery, the way you handle your mental health or anything. I lack motivation all the time and I tend to hate myself, hate myself for not going out, hate myself for not being able to push myself out, and hating myself for having so many problems mentally.

Self-care is so important and helps you to feel better about yourself. Prior to my relapse, I was doing so well with self-care. (I have a post on self-care if you want to read it’s here) Now, it’s literally gone through the window and all the good self-care I was doing is no longer. I really need to get back into the rhythm and routine of doing something to self-care every single day.

I have been struggling for motivation since the relapse, I’ve tried everything, absolutely everything. I can feel my motivation coming back, but extremely slowly which is annoying. I’ve recently been trying to find a hobby which helps me just release all my feelings/relax, and I’ve found fishing to be helpful for that!

BDD doesn’t help me with liking myself, due to me looking at my body in a different way to others, it just doesn’t help with confidence what so ever. I am trying ever so hard to beat it though, it is manageable and beatable with CBT and medication, which i’m currently on!

I was having a chat earlier last week with one of my best friends Laura (her twitter is here) and she is so supportive, whenever I’m struggling she always helps me and doesn’t take my shit and no for an answer! she knows that I need motivation and she has literally just given me so much motivation to carry on trying to beat my mental illnesses and to write this post too! It’s great if your struggling with getting motivation, it’s important that you have good people/people you like around you to help you with that, may it be a friend or even your parents or a family member! They can all help!

I’ve been struggling a lot recently with my mental health and I need to learn to “love myself” more. So, if you’re struggling to “love” yourself like I am. Just know that you can do it. I am learning to do it slowly, and so can you. It’s extremely hard but I can do it, and you can.

As always, thanks for reading!

Liam

Featured on

I have written some blogs for sites and contributed to people’s blogs, this is where you’ll find every blog I’ve guest written/contributed to. I’ll update this every time I write a new one!

Time To Change – I wrote a blog post for them related to their #InYourCorner campaign, and the post was about a friend of mine, who was in my corner and helped me get help with my mental health.

You can find the post here.

PetalsOfPerfection – A good friend of mine made a blog post about anxiety, and she included a tweet of mine, it’s a really good post. You can find it here.

Mental Movement Magazine – I am a Contributing Editor for Mental movement, and this is my first post. It is all about my MH story. You can find it here.

The Counsellors Cafe – I wrote a post for them about my CBT sessions overall, and how hard it was at first. you can read it here.

2016: Mental health, gigs and all sorts.

2016 has been a big year for me, I went to my first gig, I got help for my anxiety, after waiting 4 years to do so. Finished college, got a job, quit the job at the end of 2016 because of my mental health, what a roller coaster of a year.

2016 started out stressful, as I trained to be a chef in college the start of the year for every course is so stressful, so many exams, 5 hour cooking exams, paper exams.. a lot to take in! Additionally to all the stress, my anxiety of course wanted to play up and make everything worse. Having panic attacks when it comes to exams, every time an exam was being mentioned it gave me pretty bad anxiety, then it went really bad on the day of the exams, panic attacks, crying, walking out.

In April, I turned 18 on my birthday, wasn’t the best of days, riddled with anxiety all day, the meal was good though, food is always good. Then there was the month May, a bad month. I had the biggest exams of my life. Two 5 hour practical exams, it was extremely a nerve wrecking, anxious experience. I had a panic attack in the middle of my first one, I thought it was all over, I thought, I wasted my time training to be a chef. But no, I managed to complete both exams (what a miracle!). I also got my first job after the exams, the interview went extremely well, and I enjoyed the job for about the first month, then my anxiety just took over. I ended up quitting in December, I just couldn’t handle the amount of stress the job caused, I was having a breakdown every night. It was not good.

Then the best month of the year came, July. The month where I miraculously finished college, and got a ticket to see my favourite band ever, the 1975. I missed so many concerts due to my anxiety and money. But I got tickets for the biggest show they’ve ever played, it felt good. Throughout all this anxiety and college exams, I found out that I needed surgery for my eye, strabismus surgery it’s called. That made me really anxious, I cried when I found out. I was put on a waiting list, and had countless amounts of hospital appointments in 2016.

I finally, after four years, got the courage up to go to my GP and open up about my anxiety, I then got an assessment to get my self on the waiting list for CBT. I was very scared, it was a new experience, never felt it before, panic all over, scared, but happy at the same time?

December then came, a stressful but very good month. It was the month where I found out my surgery date, my date to start CBT, and my first ever concert. Also, Christmas to top it all off! The concert, was a very anxious, stressful experience. It was the first time I’ve ever went to Manchester by my self, I got lost finding my hotel room, luckily I was going to meet with a friend, who knows Manchester very well so she luckily helped. Then it was the time to line up, for four hours.. what a boring, anxious time. Many people were drunk, shouting, playing music. Safe to say, it was a weird experience.

Now here I am, in 2017, writing this covered up in three blankets as it’s so cold. 2016 was a bad year, had it good moments though. Let’s hope 2017 is good.

 

As always, thanks for reading!

Liam

Anxiety & Me.

Overthinking, loneliness, panic attacks. Just three of the things in my life all caused by anxiety. Anxiety makes every day for me, a battle. A never ending battle.

Anxiety makes my day, not a simple day. All I do now, is wake up at a stupid time due to my anxiety not making me sleep until like 5am, and then just eat and go on my computer, Sad, I know. Life gets so overwhelming at most times, down to this stupid, annoying anxiety.

As I write this post, about a hour ago I had a bad panic attack, guess what over. My CBT session this coming Wednesday, of all things I could of had a panic attack about, it was the thing that’s trying to help me, how fun. Anxiety also makes my mood swing from good to bad so often throughout the day, in the morning I could be ready to face my fears, maybe go out, go shopping I don’t know. However, I start to overthink every bad situation “What if I fall over in public” “People will hear my pathetic voice and judge me” “I look so stupid worrying about everything, people know I worry” All these thoughts run through my head whilst I try to go out. I just end up not going out, and it upsets me. It makes me cry. I spend all my life (apart from going DRs, therapy etc) indoors from the first day I quit my job due to my anxiety just overpowering everything.

The past 4 almost 5 years have been hell with anxiety, starting from high school, everyone obviously misjudged it as just to be nerves, even my mentor in every one of my class misjudged it. As I mentioned in my previous blog post, anxiety also makes me leave stupidly early just so I’m not late, but then that makes me think like “er, they are going to judge me so much for being early” you just cant win.

 

As always, thanks for reading.

Liam.

 

 

About

Hello, welcome to my blog!

I’m Liam, a nineteen-year-old from the UK, who has dyspraxia and suffers from anxiety, panic attacks, depression and body dysmorphic disorder. This makes life a battle most days. I blog about my battle, my experiences with CBT, and just life in general, mostly things related to my mental health.