Grief

I have never felt pain like this. Before my mother died, I had never experienced grief so extreme. Every day I wake up, walk downstairs and stare at that empty part of the sofa that belonged to her, my heart feels just as empty.

I wasn’t shocked when my mum died. That sounds bad but she was in the hospital for two weeks prior to her passing away, she got better then got worse again, over and over. Her heart couldn’t take her blood pressure going from 40 to 120 throughout each day for two weeks.

I was by her bedside before she died, I held her hand when she took her last breath. I get flashbacks every single day of that moment, the moment she took her last breath. As soon as I realised she passed, I burst into tears. I have never cried so hard in my life, I was hysterical. I thought I would be okay because I was expecting it, but that’s the thing – grief hits you so hard even when you don’t expect it to. The one thing I didn’t expect about grief was the physical pain – my chest and my muscles were tight for weeks. My eyes were sore from all the tears. My throat was dry from the screaming. I thought I was prepared, but can you really prepare for losing someone you so truly and deeply love?

I am hoping to make her proud by writing again. She loved me writing and could tell it helped me a lot. She always motivated me to write, but my motivation has truly hit rock bottom. I’ve tried everything but it’s just not happening and that’s the true nature of this grief. I’m trying to write how I’m feeling, but words can’t really express the pain I am still feeling today. I am consumed.


97 days have gone since she passed and it still hurts just as much as the first.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross


Well, hello 2019!

I can’t say I’m not happy to see you! 2018 has been one hell of a year full of relapses, grieving, and concerts. I can’t say I was expecting the year that I have had. It started off really badly, I had a major relapse, arguably the worst one I’ve ever had and I attempted suicide. I was in a dark, bottomless pit which I thought I was never going to get out. Weeks of crisis team appointments, a psychiatrist appointment, and more CBT, I slowly got out that bottomless pit with the help of new medication, my amazing group of friends and therapy.

I got my first ever tattoo, which meant a lot to me. It’s a semi-colon, which you probably know the meaning of, but if not you can read about the semi-colon project here. It’s a really beautiful idea and I truly love my tattoo, it hurt but it was so worth it. I also went to three concerts last year, arguably the best parts of the year! I met a group of people at my first concert last year who are amazing and have helped me so much, we always get barrier which is an added bonus! I saw Pale Waves twice and HAIM, they were both equally amazing live.

I turned 20 this year, I also hit the one year milestone of my current job which is great! I never thought I’d last that long, especially with how bad the start of the year was!

I also found my love for Greys Anatomy last year, which has impacted my mental health in a good way (very cliché, i know) but honestly, it is such a great TV show, it may have took me 3 to 4 months to catch up, but I thoroughly enjoyed every episode!

My mum was rushed into hospital towards the end of last year, she had a stroke. She wasn’t doing very well but the stroke was very sudden. This hit me so hard, I was doing well and this truly tested my relapse prevention. She fought all she could but she sadly passed away after a few weeks in hospital. I was so shocked, she was doing well but her body just couldn’t take no more. I miss her so much, but I am motivated to do her proud, to start writing again as she loved me doing what I truly loved.

All in all, the year wasn’t too bad apart from the start and the end haha! 2019 is my year, the year that I am going to take more time out for myself and hopefully write more!

I hope you all had a great Christmas and a great new year. May the year bring health, happiness and success for all. 

A little update

I haven’t blogged since April 22nd. The last few months have been tough, to say the least. There have been some good parts though!

Since that post, I have finished my group therapy, coming to the end of my low-intensity CBT, saw HAIM and Pale Waves live and relapsed twice.

The HAIM concert blew me away. I had waited years to see them live. I went by myself (cya later social anxiety!) and I had the best time of my life! They were amazing and also sounded incredible! I have just got tickets to see the 1975 again in January! I went to see Pale Waves for the second time last week, it was one of the best nights of my life. All the best people were there and we had a great time! Booking things like concert, makes me not want to give up, it is such a big thing for me to have things to look forward to in the future.

Throughout these months, I have tried so hard to get back into blogging, but it just wasn’t happening. I truly love blogging with all my heart, I spent so many hours perfecting this website and it annoys me that my stupid brain has made me stop enjoying writing.

In the last few sessions in therapy, we have gone over behavioural activation to treat my severe depression and also I have learnt to use weekly planners again. My therapist wants me to do things that I need to do, such as doing the laundry, going shopping and stuff that would give me pleasure in the past, such as reading, writing. I have learnt that with my low mood, it makes me avoid stuff which I used to love doing. Before last week, I hadn’t properly read in months… I know, right?! I have also been taught how to be more positive, at the end of every day I have to write three positive things about the day and it’s actually really helping, I love doing it!

I am so sorry to people who follow my blog, I really want to blog. I have tons of ideas but I just can’t start writing? This post has been a week in the making… just for a life update post?!

All in all, after my relapses, I am doing pretty well at the moment. I feel low, but that is just the usual for me now. I am back into reading, loving work again and hopefully getting back into blogging, so expect more posts from me in the coming weeks!

My goals for 2018.

I thought it’d only make sense for my first post of the new year to be based on my goals for the new year.

2017 was a year full of change, I started and finished CBT, started antidepressants which have changed my life. I made so many friends within the MH blogger community which I feel like will be my friends for all my life.

2018 is the year I am going to thrive in every single way possible. My aim is to make 2018 the best year I’ve ever had. I will keep learning how to manage my mental health better and put me first.

So, as the title says.. here are my goals for 2018.

1) GO TO LONDON! It was a goal from therapy to go to London last year but couldn’t go last year, so I am 100% going next year to explore and meet with a few blogging friends who I have been dying to meet since talking to them on twitter!

2) SELF CARE! I know I blab on about self care and how important it is, but truthfully since getting my new job I haven’t done much self care, which has affected me a lot, especially my moods. I am dedicating at least four days a week to do a hour or more of self care each day!

3) BLOGGING! I haven’t blogged in months, I truly let my old blog go down the train, down to the reason of having absolute no time to think about it, I have been working so much overtime the past few months I’ve not even had time to tweet as much as usual! (which is very surprising, I tweet LOADS!)

4) CAMPAIGNING! I have always wanted to do this but haven’t had the confidence up until now. I love the work people in this community do with campaigning, like Jodie and Andrea (they are both AMAZING!) I would love to do the same work as they do, as you guys probably know I am a media volunteer for Time To Change so this will obviously help me with campaigning. With struggling with my mental health for a long time, it’s made me more passionate to de-stigmatize mental health as I truly know how it feels to be stigmatized.. it took me years to seek help, and I don’t want that to happen to others.

I am feeling confident that I will complete at least half of these goals!

I hope you all had a great Christmas and new years and I hope you all have a fab 2018!

Lets make 2018, our year.

A letter to Gemma #MHAW17

Where do I start? You are such a great friend, you may not realise this but you’ve saved my life. Being able to speak to you about anything and everything really helps. I feel like a burden to you sometimes, but I know that is just my MH speaking, and I know you truly care about me, and that’s amazing as I feel like not many people do.

I love how you are always there for me, anytime, any day. I can always rely on you to cheer me up with your hilarious jokes (you are so funny it’s unreal)I don’t know how you do it, but whenever I have urges or horrible thoughts, speaking to you makes them all go away or makes them controllable.

I remember you helping me with finding sites for stock photos, and ever since then we have become so close friends, and I am so happy for that. If I didn’t have a friend like you, I don’t know where I would be, or what would happen to me really.

You are a star, you are absolutely brilliant and beautiful. You are so kind to everyone on twitter, and I am so fortunate to have you in my life, you deserve all the love in the world and all the chocolate.

I love love love your blog, you are such a talented writer, and you always help me with posts, you are one of the best bloggers in my eyes. I admire how honest you are and how strong you are with battling your mental health, your strongness drives me to beat my mental illness, it really does.

I wanted to write this to show my true appreciation to you, Gemma, I am currently sobbing whilst writing this (i truly am an emotional mess). I am so lucky to have a friend like you, I always feel like I don’t deserve you. I love you, you’re the best.

If you want to read her amazing blog or follow her on twitter, here are the links!

https://mysweetanxiety.com/

@gemcals

Living with a speech problem

I’ve been unable to speak properly all my life, I’ve had years of speech therapy but it hasn’t worked, one bit. I have dyspraxia but I have not officially been told if it’s linked to my dyspraxia. Something has to have caused me to not be able to speak, but no consultant has found out why. I can’t pronounce certain letters like G, Q, K, V and others. I also stutter so much and speak very fast, people say I speak too fast so much, but I can’t control it. I wish I could.

I get annoyed with myself so often for not being able to pronounce things properly, and when people ask me to repeat what I said – everybody does this, even family (I can’t blame them for asking, if they don’t understand something, they would ask as they want to know). I get so angry with myself but I need to learn to not, but it’s a really hard thing to learn, hopefully, I’ll get the hang of it one day. I can’t help that I have a speech problem, but my god.. what I’d do to just get rid of it somehow.

Countless years of speech therapy, attempting so many different methods and it’s not worked.  If I remember correctly, I didn’t learn to speak until pretty late, like 5 or 6?

My life with a speech problem has been hard, it is the cause of my social anxiety (80% certain) Bullying, people asking you to repeat every single thing most of the time. It’s certainly very frustrating.

Bullying has been a big problem, especially in high school, I expected it to be honest, but it was constant throughout high school. Comments, people purposely not pronouncing things right when I come into the room, or into the area. People mimicking me, telling me to “learn to speak properly” A comment which has been said many, many times. If I could… learn” I’d actually love to be able to speak properly, it’d change my life, completely. It has been something which people just seem to notice and say things about, it stops me from going out because I am scared of people not understanding me, people saying things and judging me.

I wish I could speak properly like people can do. It’s something that has affected my life in many ways, it has made me have so low self-esteem, it’s made me scared of going out, and possibly the cause of most of my MH problems really. If I was able to speak properly, would I not be so afraid of what people think about me? Who knows…

 

Liam