Before I go into writing this post fully, this is my last post for a week as I am off to sunny Tenerife for a weeks holiday!
This week, I started an annoying nervous habit of sniffing up, it’s not hayfever or a cold, it’s just an annoying habit which I want to stop! My therapist said it’s more than likely related to my MH. The only way to challenge it is habit reversal, she also said because I’m so conscious about it, I could be doing it more so I need to learn to not be so conscious about it and it may stop – easier said than done, but I can do it!
As my therapist knew I was going on holiday, this session was all about that, basically talking about it and asking me how I felt about going. I am scared of going on holiday as I’m going to be the furthest away from home I’ve ever been, the furthest away from my safe place. Also, because it’s going to obviously be hot, I will be wearing shorts which will be very uncomfortable for me due to my body dysmorphia, but my therapist put it simply like this “everyone else will be wearing shorts, nobody will notice you” which is very true!
I mentioned that I am still doing my exposure therapy, but obviously, my therapist doesn’t want me to do it on holiday. I’m just scared of having no one to talk to in person about my MH if I struggle on my holiday.
I hope I can enjoy my holiday, I fly tomorrow and a part of me is excited but a part of me is very scared. I hope it turns out well and I have a good week to chill out and just have a break from working on my mental health and relax.
Sorry that this post is short, the session wasn’t such CBT based as some of the sessions are just talking and not much on CBT techniques!
We mainly focused on BDD and my emotions/moods in this session, which I’m really happy about! I have wanted to challenge my BDD for ages but it just wasn’t time and there were other things to challenge, now is the time though and I am ready!
My therapist introduced me to a thought record sheet for my body dysmorphia, I will list all my thoughts about what I feel about my body and what I think others are thinking. I also have to list the situation/trigger which will help my therapist find my triggers and work on them. It also involves rating emotions, this record will help me as I will be able to find what is the worst situation for my BDD and then I can challenge it, slowly but surely.
We went over the negative core beliefs that we did many sessions ago, she asked me if I thought they were still true, because of all the work I’ve done. Many of them I thought were not true anymore, like where I was scared of people seeing me when I have a panic attack, turns out I don’t really look different. There are still a few that I feel I can work on, such as. “I’m a failure” “I’m not good enough” There were a few more.. but I stupidly left my sheet in my session! Silly me!
I also looked at a worksheet called “wheel of emotions” My therapist gave me that just to reassure me that the feelings/emotions I have are perfectly normal. She also mentioned that my mood swings could just be more obvious as I am now obviously thinking about my moods.
I’m still doing the exposure therapy, it’s going really well and I’m actually feeling proud of myself for the first time in months!
I have had a fairly good week coming up to this session, things were going to plan, I did exposure therapy once and went out fishing every day, however.. my mood swings have been really bad, like I feel so depressed but half an hour later I’m on some sort of high and enjoying everything? It’s so tiring and frustrating… I know it’s not normal but I don’t know what’s causing it which is even more frustrating!
I also worry about losing my friends and being lonely. I told my therapist all of this, the session didn’t turn out to be like CBT but it was basically a talking session where I just spoke about what I was feeling, sometimes you need sessions like this, it really helps a lot!
My therapist mentioned that the mood swings can be caused by me working on my mental health as doing so can make you really happy or really depressed very often, I didn’t really think about it like that, but she is a therapist and I’m not smart haha!
We went to exposure therapy, she mentioned that I really need to try my hardest doing it more than once, but I am. It’s extremely hard and she knows that and said don’t get down about not being able to do it, easier said than done! I am hoping and praying I’ll do it more than once before my next session.
My therapist mentioned an assessment but didn’t say anything more about it. Truthfully, I want to ask for one as I know something isn’t wrong and I’m pretty sure it’s not to do with my mental illness’ I’ve been diagnosed with. That is just so scary for me, it may seem such a small thing to ask for but I’m honestly so scared of doing it, I hope I am able to ask, I really want to ask. Ugh, why are these things so hard?!
I hope my next session goes well, I’m not feeling confident about CBT at the moment, I’m not sure but all that confidence and hopefulness has just emptied out of me and I can’t find the reason why.
// T W // Suicidal thoughts & SH //
Earlier this week, I had a really awful start to the week, due to something that happened at the hospital, I told my therapist about this – I continuously worried about telling her, I worried that she would find it silly or stupid.
I told her that what happened at the hospital had literally made my MH plummet and made me want to not live anymore, like seriously. I had the strongest SH urges I’ve ever had, but I didn’t do it. I had a good alternative and good coping mechanisms, and that’s four weeks, which is a month of no self-harm, I am bloody amazed! I only did exposure therapy once as I was meant to do it three times, but because of how bad I felt I didn’t do it, which she totally understood!
I told her that people and herself are telling me I’m doing so well, but I don’t feel like I am, I feel like I’m not doing good? It’s weird to explain but I don’t feel happy or feel like I’m doing good. She explained how that is normal when you struggle with your mental health, that you don’t realise how good you really are doing. She then made me write a list of positive/good things I have managed to do since starting therapy with her, listing it helped so much. It made me think I have been doing well and I just need to stop being so hard on myself and give myself credit at times.
My list was this:
- No SH for a month
- Resisting the SH urges
- Went to Liverpool with a friend and ordered my own drink
- Went Starbucks by myself and ordered my own drink
- Planning my future change in career
- Went on a night out
- Carried on blogging when I felt like quitting
- Applying for lots of jobs
When someone who doesn’t struggle with their MH reads this, it may seem like they are such little things to do, but for me, they were so big and I’ve realised that I am doing incredibly well so far and I need to be able to feel it, slowly but surely I will be able to.
My therapist then asked me to list the things I am doing to keep myself on the road to recovery/keep myself doing good things and not falling into a pit of depression!
I will be doing:
- Going out more on my own
- Not being too hard on myself
- Rewarding myself
- Reading more
- Being more positive
Another fantastic CBT session, on to the next one!
I talked a bit about this in my post this week, social media & mental health. I thought it’d be a good topic to make a stand-alone post for, I’ve wanted to do one for a few weeks, but silly me hasn’t got around to doing it! Pro procrastinator over here.
I started blogging early January this year if I remember correctly, it is the same week I started CBT for the first time. My first post was my introduction to CBT. I started blogging because my therapist mentioned that I should have something where I can just vent, and just write whatever I want. A friend of mine mentioned blogging, I thought it was too late at first because there are many bloggers out there. I then realised I don’t do it for views or whatever I get, I do it for a place to vent, I still do.
I remember spending ages writing my first post and putting it out. It was scary, but it was a good feeling actually writing stuff. It got such a good and lovely response I was honestly shocked. I didn’t expect people to read my posts – I’m not the best writer at all…
I got into blogging real quick, I was doing a post every two days, I had so many things to write about and get off my chest, it really did my mental health good to start blogging and join the community of mental health bloggers. I was writing personal posts just because I wanted to, it was scary, posting about your life on a blog where anyone in the world could see, but it was good to do so, as I said before, it felt good.
I’ve not stopped blogging since I started, and I always tweet, like way too much. I’m so happy I started blogging, if I didn’t, I wouldn’t have made so many supportive friends in this community, it really has made me a better person. The community is so positive and supportive and that’s why I love blogging so much, I am happy my friend mentioned blogging to me.
It was recorded on January 17, that there were around 3.773 billion internet users and 2.789 social media users. 81% of millennials check Twitter at least once per day. this is likely to increase as more generations are born into this era. Growing up with social media developing has shown me just how powerful the influence of social media can be. Unfortunately, this influence can be both positive and negative with the creation of cyber bullies & trolls, and the general ability to comment on each other’s lives from behind a screen. But, I don’t want to focus on the negatives. I want to talk about the positive impact social media has had on my mental health, and how it can help yours too.
For me, social media has helped me so much. For four years, I had no one to talk to about my mental health. I was isolated and knew nobody to talk to. I didn’t even speak to my parents as I wasn’t quite ready for that.
I then googled mental health blogs, as I thought there would be people who blog, and there was. There were hundreds. I was scared to join in, but I did it as I thought it’d be good for me. I joined in January this year, and ever since that, I have made so many friends, and met a good friend also! Social media may not be the best place at times but I have found that the community on twitter is fantastic, it has helped me so much and gave me friends that I will have for the rest of my life. It is truly fantastic what a community can do to you, it can help you so much it’s unreal.
Twitter has to be my favourite platform. I don’t think any other platform comes close to it. Twitter has this extremely personal feel at times, especially with followers, and being in a community related to one single thing, you get to know people and make friends. It is great how easy you can find new people and new friends, that’s why I love it.
Here are a few of my favourite people in this community, they all are so helpful and supportive it is absolutely amazing! I would list them all.. but this blog post would be too long, literally, there’s like 500 people I could list!
Gemma – Blog / Twitter
Sophie – Blog / Twitter
Rich – Blog / Twitter
Nicole – Blog / Twitter
Laura – Blog / Twitter
Mike – Blog / Twitter
Rosie – Blog / Twitter
Rachel – Blog / Twitter