Overthinking is a big part of my anxiety and mental health overall. Overthinking things like “ugh I sounded like a right idiot when I asked that” makes my anxiety worse, overthinking is extremely common when you have anxiety. Overthinking rules my brain, everything I want to do, I overthink. Let’s say, for example, I want to go out with a few friends. I overthink things like “what happens if I fall over” “what happens if I do something stupid and everyone laughs” “what happens if I stutter and just sound idiotic to people”
It’s annoying, just due to the fact that I plan on doing things, like going out with a few friends. I overthink about the social situation and think that people will find me weird, and think I’m silly for being so anxious and panicky, and just end up cancelling. I try so hard to look for a solution or something else to stop overthinking, but my mind just cant stop thinking about that situation, I don’t know why I do it if I did I would try to stop, but nope, don’t know why I do it.
There’s so much involved with overthinking, past situations for me make my overthinking worse, and I’ve heard from people that it is the same for them. I overthink so many social situations solely down to stuff that has happened, such as panicking in public. I also overthink things that have happened. Like “oh I shouldn’t have said that” “why did I say that” Overthinking for me is also solely down to my anxiety/social anxiety. I continuously overthink about what I come across like, what people think I am, what people think of me when I panic, panicking in public.
Overthinking is a cycle, and I’m currently caught up in that cycle of overthinking mostly everything. For me, avoiding situations which I overthink about, will obviously not help and I am trying to slowly do those situations i.e go out with friends and socialise etc.
I hope I can get out of this vicious cycle of overthinking, as it is truly tiring and constant battle.
Prior to this session, I had a GP appointment and got prescribed fluoxetine/Prozac. The doctor said it should help my depression and anxiety, and also make CBT work better, or at least help. It’ll take four to six weeks to actually start to work which sucks, but every anti-depressant is the same I think.
This was the dreaded sixth session, the reason I was dreading it was all because three weeks ago my therapist mentioned that I’d only have 6 sessions, 8 at a push. So I knew this session would be a big one, but I didn’t know what would actually happen.
So, we just got talking about my GP appointment and my feelings of being put on medication and finding a perfect time of the day to take it, which is 3 pm! My therapist then told me to fill out the usual GAD-7 PHQ-9 sheet. My scores were the same, can’t remember exactly but they were 1 or 2 off the highest on both parts.
She then mentions that she has been thinking about this session throughout the week, and that she thinks I need extra support, and that she thinks I should have more CBT, but hourly sessions, I was truly happy, but then I found out it wasn’t with her. I told her how hard it would be for me to just all of a sudden move to a new therapist in a new clinic at the same time of starting medication. She totally understood that it was bad timing, she then found out that the waiting list has literally four people on it, including me. Meaning that I will not have a week or more, without CBT. I literally have the appointment next week, all because my therapist works absolute wonders.
I don’t know what I feel about changing therapists and changing clinics too. I would have felt better if I was in the same clinic, as it’s like a routine for me to go every Wednesday, and she totally understood, she knew it’d be hard, but if she did give me the two extra sessions just to get me ready to move, the waiting list could be longer, so it might be a sudden change, but it’s the best time as I don’t have to wait on another waiting list.
She also told me to not worry and gave me a number to ring if anything goes wrong in terms of if my therapist isn’t doing a good job, it’s going to be so hard for me to open up to some complete stranger, I know my therapist was a stranger to me, but it took me weeks to actually trust her, and now I’ve just been moved on? I was really annoyed, but then I realised it’s for my own good, hour-long sessions would be really good for me as I find it hard to go through everything in thirty minutes.
Here’s me hoping and praying that my new therapist is just as kind and good as my previous one.
// TRIGGER WARNING: SH/SUICIDAL THOUGHTS//
You are honestly, the worst thing ever. You and anxiety, make my life so hard, every day is a battle because of you. I can not get away from you, you make me harm myself and make me feel like I would be better of dead, you make these thoughts pop up into my head on a daily basis, why? You make me isolated in thoughts that are not very nice, and make my day suck, even if I do something I love, somehow you find a way to make it suck.
You make me isolated in thoughts that are not very nice, and make my day suck, even if I do something I love, somehow you find a way to make it suck. You make me hate going to therapy, and don’t even make me start about you teaming up with anxiety to stop me from going out and hanging with people, which I’d love to, but you and anxiety stop me.
Some days, I wake up actually happy, very happy sometimes, but for some reason, you mess it all up and make me feel so down it’s unreal, this happens every time. I’ve not had a day where I’ve felt 100% happy in months because of you. Having you in my head is not something I want, so why are you in my head? You suck.
However, because of you, I feel like I’ve become a stronger person, mentally. I know it’s a battle but battling every day makes me a strong person. You made me want to find a hobby to distract me, which is actually blogging, which is something I’ve actually loved doing since I started, so thanks for that.
You won’t defeat me, this week is the week where I will start defeating you. You will never beat me, I will beat you.
// TRIGGER WARNING: SH //
As you may have seen on my twitter, I’ve had a bad few days, the worst I’ve ever been. I decided, yesterday to text my therapist just so she asks me and then I can’t avoid telling her what I’ve done. So the past few days, I’ve started self-harming again, it sucks and I’m so happy I actually told my therapist today.
This wasn’t a usual CBT session, solely down to what I have done, this was literally just a conversation about what I’ve done, and what needs to be done. She decided that I should be on medication, or at least try it. She immediately told me she will phone my doctor as soon as my appointment finishes, and get me an appointment, she was brilliant. As I was on the bus, I got a confirmation text for the appointment, how fast!
She was so understanding, I found it awfully hard to tell her what I did, and why I did it. But she just let me talk, she knew I had more to say, but I said as much as I could in this session, and she totally understood. I am feeling a bit better after actually telling her, it sucks that I have to go through this but I will get through this, it’s just a mere blip and it’ll get better. She gave me booklets on SH and distractions to stop SH and a booklet all about anti-depressants. She also mentioned an SH group talking thing which is every Friday, I’m still a bit unsure about that, but she gave me the contact details just in case.
So, hopefully, next week will be a better week, GP appointment and CBT next week on the same day! Hoping that will be a good day, and I hope I get something out of it, to help this annoying thing.
Sorry for such a short post, but we didn’t go over anything to do with CBT, no exposure, no panic, it was merely just me talking about the last few days, which honestly, I needed to do.
As always, thanks for reading!