Grief

I have never felt pain like this. Before my mother died, I had never experienced grief so extreme. Every day I wake up, walk downstairs and stare at that empty part of the sofa that belonged to her, my heart feels just as empty.

I wasn’t shocked when my mum died. That sounds bad but she was in the hospital for two weeks prior to her passing away, she got better then got worse again, over and over. Her heart couldn’t take her blood pressure going from 40 to 120 throughout each day for two weeks.

I was by her bedside before she died, I held her hand when she took her last breath. I get flashbacks every single day of that moment, the moment she took her last breath. As soon as I realised she passed, I burst into tears. I have never cried so hard in my life, I was hysterical. I thought I would be okay because I was expecting it, but that’s the thing – grief hits you so hard even when you don’t expect it to. The one thing I didn’t expect about grief was the physical pain – my chest and my muscles were tight for weeks. My eyes were sore from all the tears. My throat was dry from the screaming. I thought I was prepared, but can you really prepare for losing someone you so truly and deeply love?

I am hoping to make her proud by writing again. She loved me writing and could tell it helped me a lot. She always motivated me to write, but my motivation has truly hit rock bottom. I’ve tried everything but it’s just not happening and that’s the true nature of this grief. I’m trying to write how I’m feeling, but words can’t really express the pain I am still feeling today. I am consumed.


97 days have gone since she passed and it still hurts just as much as the first.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross


Well, hello 2019!

I can’t say I’m not happy to see you! 2018 has been one hell of a year full of relapses, grieving, and concerts. I can’t say I was expecting the year that I have had. It started off really badly, I had a major relapse, arguably the worst one I’ve ever had and I attempted suicide. I was in a dark, bottomless pit which I thought I was never going to get out. Weeks of crisis team appointments, a psychiatrist appointment, and more CBT, I slowly got out that bottomless pit with the help of new medication, my amazing group of friends and therapy.

I got my first ever tattoo, which meant a lot to me. It’s a semi-colon, which you probably know the meaning of, but if not you can read about the semi-colon project here. It’s a really beautiful idea and I truly love my tattoo, it hurt but it was so worth it. I also went to three concerts last year, arguably the best parts of the year! I met a group of people at my first concert last year who are amazing and have helped me so much, we always get barrier which is an added bonus! I saw Pale Waves twice and HAIM, they were both equally amazing live.

I turned 20 this year, I also hit the one year milestone of my current job which is great! I never thought I’d last that long, especially with how bad the start of the year was!

I also found my love for Greys Anatomy last year, which has impacted my mental health in a good way (very cliché, i know) but honestly, it is such a great TV show, it may have took me 3 to 4 months to catch up, but I thoroughly enjoyed every episode!

My mum was rushed into hospital towards the end of last year, she had a stroke. She wasn’t doing very well but the stroke was very sudden. This hit me so hard, I was doing well and this truly tested my relapse prevention. She fought all she could but she sadly passed away after a few weeks in hospital. I was so shocked, she was doing well but her body just couldn’t take no more. I miss her so much, but I am motivated to do her proud, to start writing again as she loved me doing what I truly loved.

All in all, the year wasn’t too bad apart from the start and the end haha! 2019 is my year, the year that I am going to take more time out for myself and hopefully write more!

I hope you all had a great Christmas and a great new year. May the year bring health, happiness and success for all.