Grief

I have never felt pain like this. Before my mother died, I had never experienced grief so extreme. Every day I wake up, walk downstairs and stare at that empty part of the sofa that belonged to her, my heart feels just as empty.

I wasn’t shocked when my mum died. That sounds bad but she was in the hospital for two weeks prior to her passing away, she got better then got worse again, over and over. Her heart couldn’t take her blood pressure going from 40 to 120 throughout each day for two weeks.

I was by her bedside before she died, I held her hand when she took her last breath. I get flashbacks every single day of that moment, the moment she took her last breath. As soon as I realised she passed, I burst into tears. I have never cried so hard in my life, I was hysterical. I thought I would be okay because I was expecting it, but that’s the thing – grief hits you so hard even when you don’t expect it to. The one thing I didn’t expect about grief was the physical pain – my chest and my muscles were tight for weeks. My eyes were sore from all the tears. My throat was dry from the screaming. I thought I was prepared, but can you really prepare for losing someone you so truly and deeply love?

I am hoping to make her proud by writing again. She loved me writing and could tell it helped me a lot. She always motivated me to write, but my motivation has truly hit rock bottom. I’ve tried everything but it’s just not happening and that’s the true nature of this grief. I’m trying to write how I’m feeling, but words can’t really express the pain I am still feeling today. I am consumed.


97 days have gone since she passed and it still hurts just as much as the first.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.”
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross