CBT: Twelfth session

// TRIGGER WARNING – SELF HARM //

This post was meant to go up yesterday, but I actually went out and socialised! Shock! I had a great time and challenged my anxiety in multiple ways!As I made a list in the previous session, throughout the week I was trying to tick things off, and add things onto it. I found it really motivating to do so.

As I made a list in the previous session, throughout the week I was trying to tick things off, and add things onto it. I found it really motivating to do so.

I filled out the usual GAD-7 PHQ-9 questionnaire. The scores are going down slowly, which is great! We focused the session on what we can do to get the scores down. She mentioned that my depression can go down with doing things, challenging it. Not staying in all day where it’ll get worse and then the self-harm starts again. I’ve only self-harmed once in two weeks! I am beyond happy about this, things are looking so good it’s brilliant I LOVE IT! We also talked about the CBT formula and the cycle of depression, which I am apparently slowly breaking! Woo!

I mentioned how I seem to be so agitated and I tend to just snap at people lately, even my parents and sisters. I seem to snap for some reason. It makes me feel so crap when I just shout at them but I have no reason why I do so. I also explained how I sleep so much and it’s not making me feel any better, so she wants me to set up a schedule, for each week – I had one with my previous therapist but with my relapse of SH and being moved up to higher intensity therapist, I didn’t really stick by it.

The schedule for this week included getting up at 10 am, prevent boredom by doing things I love – reading, blogging, writing, fishing, listening to music etc. Go out with a friend, which I did yesterday and it was the best day for a long time! It also includes me buying a journal which I’ve already done – god I am getting this scheduled one brilliantly!!! I told her about my low self-esteem and how I feel about myself. She then mentioned trying a “positive qualities log” as she explained how people may say nice stuff, but when you’re struggling it just goes over your head and you don’t really take notice. This log should help me with that. I have to write everything people say positive about me, may it be in person, on twitter or anything!

After the schedule idea was explained and it sounded really good, I think it’ll help a lot. We talked more about my irritability, and like my snapping at people. She mentioned a stress ball and asked what I do to chill… I then realised I don’t really do much to chill and that’s where I could be going wrong. I need to chill out more.

I went on to how I feel about my depression getting better, but my anxiety is still really bad. I know that I am going to ask my doctor about propranolol to reduce the physical symptoms but I also need to make my anxiety go down with other things, not just medication. We are hopefully going to look at that soon – if my doctor does give me propranolol that is!

As always, thanks for reading!

Liam

 

CBT: Tenth Session

// TRIGGER WARNING – SELF HARM //

This session was my tenth ever CBT session! Wow!! We went through my depression going worse and my self-harm, and the self-harm cycle. It was a really good session, really eye opening and I learnt so much.

I told her about the last two weeks, how depression and self-harm have gotten worse and about how I hardly went out. She explained that not going out is just feeding the depression and making self-harm worse. It’s time that I really push myself to start going out more. She mentioned propanolol to me and how she thinks it’ll help me a lot going out etc, so I’m going to ask my doctor about it next time I see her!

We had a look at this cycle, called the “self-injury cycle” It includes six steps in the cycle. This just carries on and the self-harm carries on. I need to try and break this cycle by starting to do things, so the depression doesn;t get worse, if I start doing things it should help break the cycle!

  • Mental anguish, the first step. I know, what a weird word?! It just basically means what goes through your head at the time. For example, self-critical thoughts, images etc.  For example, for me, it’s self-critical thoughts mainly.
  • The second step, emotional engulfment another word I didn’t know what it meant. It just means what emotions are you feeling, especially distressing emotions. I feel anger, sadness and upset and I feel disappointed in myself too.
  • Panic stations, the third step in the cycle. What are you feeling, what happened next? feeling out of control, numb etc. Then, the next step in the cycle is action station. In what way you self-injured, how, when where?
  • The next one is action stations. What way did you do it? Why? What reason?
  • Feel better/different, the fifth step. Relief, euphoria etc.  I feel calmer and a sense of relief and release of all my emotions.
  • The last step, grief reaction. When did you feel bad about yourself? self-disgust, self-hate. shame etc.

We went on to discuss this even further, and we both filled it out with the thoughts I think and other things. She said it’s important if I feel the urge, to be around people, as she noticed that I told her I only self-harm when I’m by myself. Funnily enough, I didn’t realise that, eh that’s why I’m in therapy right? To understand my messed up brain, and to learn how to control my mental health!

I came out of this session feeling so confident, happy and just all the good feelings you can feel. She told me to go to the party on Saturday, to enjoy myself and just feel how good it is to not go home because you’ve had a panic attack. Something I have to stop, if I stop that, there will be little to feed the depression, so my self-harm should get better.

As always, thanks for reading!

Liam

An open letter to my depression

// TRIGGER WARNING: SH/SUICIDAL THOUGHTS//

You are honestly, the worst thing ever. You and anxiety, make my life so hard, every day is a battle because of you. I can not get away from you, you make me harm myself and make me feel like I would be better of dead, you make these thoughts pop up into my head on a daily basis, why? You make me isolated in thoughts that are not very nice, and make my day suck, even if I do something I love, somehow you find a way to make it suck.

You make me isolated in thoughts that are not very nice, and make my day suck, even if I do something I love, somehow you find a way to make it suck. You make me hate going to therapy, and don’t even make me start about you teaming up with anxiety to stop me from going out and hanging with people, which I’d love to, but you and anxiety stop me.

Some days, I wake up actually happy, very happy sometimes, but for some reason, you mess it all up and make me feel so down it’s unreal, this happens every time. I’ve not had a day where I’ve felt 100% happy in months because of you. Having you in my head is not something I want, so why are you in my head? You suck.

However, because of you, I feel like I’ve become a stronger person, mentally. I know it’s a battle but battling every day makes me a strong person. You made me want to find a hobby to distract me, which is actually blogging, which is something I’ve actually loved doing since I started, so thanks for that.

You won’t defeat me, this week is the week where I will start defeating you. You will never beat me, I will beat you.

Liam

CBT: Fifth Session

// TRIGGER WARNING: SH //

As you may have seen on my twitter, I’ve had a bad few days, the worst I’ve ever been. I decided, yesterday to text my therapist just so she asks me and then I can’t avoid telling her what I’ve done. So the past few days, I’ve started self-harming again, it sucks and I’m so happy I actually told my therapist today.

This wasn’t a usual CBT session, solely down to what I have done, this was literally just a conversation about what I’ve done, and what needs to be done. She decided that I should be on medication, or at least try it. She immediately told me she will phone my doctor as soon as my appointment finishes, and get me an appointment, she was brilliant. As I was on the bus, I got a confirmation text for the appointment, how fast!

She was so understanding, I found it awfully hard to tell her what I did, and why I did it. But she just let me talk, she knew I had more to say, but I said as much as I could in this session, and she totally understood. I am feeling a bit better after actually telling her, it sucks that I have to go through this but I will get through this, it’s just a mere blip and it’ll get better. She gave me booklets on SH and distractions to stop SH and a booklet all about anti-depressants. She also mentioned an SH group talking thing which is every Friday, I’m still a bit unsure about that, but she gave me the contact details just in case.

So, hopefully, next week will be a better week, GP appointment and CBT next week on the same day! Hoping that will be a good day, and I hope I get something out of it, to help this annoying thing.

Sorry for such a short post, but we didn’t go over anything to do with CBT, no exposure, no panic, it was merely just me talking about the last few days, which honestly, I needed to do.

As always, thanks for reading!

Liam